I ran away…
For more than 20 years I ran away… I was afraid…
What did I run from? Better said, from whom? From myself. What was I afraid of? Being the real me!
I would use all tools at hand just to be part of a group. I would do whatever may take to fit it… But I was afraid to expose my own thoughts! I would rather go for the conventional… look for the patterns… follow, even if I didn’t agree… I was afraid and I was restless. I used to run even from my own shadow!
So, I found my refuge in lies. And I did that a lot! To everyone. Starting with myself. And my parents. And my friends and lovers and peers and teachers… Everyone. And I mean everyone.
I wasn’t ready… Ready to face my own thoughts, ready to use my own judgement, ready to listen to my heart and control my thoughts. I just wasn’t ready.
I used to walk tons of moments on the edge of despair. Ready to jump into the void, for not being accepted. But why was that? Because I was shy… And I would see no value in it. I wanted to be sparkly… and popular and… Queen of the prom… And have the money to do that. To buy minions, just for that comfy feeling of self-worth. In just wanted to be there, to be seen and to be “the girl”.
So, here I am, admitting all that I did and all the times that I wanted something that was just not for me. And I’m doing it with a clear conscience right now…
Now, you may ask… “Why is she doing this?“
Because I’ve been through a lot of events, that led to learning a large amount of lessons. And, also, because I believe that sharing the lessons and being transparent are the best ways to build trust. And because – for the past 10 years – I understood that I was doing something that hurt people and myself. And I continuously struggled to fixing the wrong. And because I would love people to understand that lies should not be an option. As it causes damage and nothing else. And because I’ve come to realize how much I love people and to discover the beautiful nature of human kind, in places they – themselves – can’t see or acknowledge and/or understand the existance of.
So, how did I manage to get out of this malicious circle? Strong will and continuous effort! With each step I took towards understanding my own mind and the others, I became more and more aware of the damage I’ve caused and of the fact that whatever I’ve been through, there was never – not even for a millisecond – a reason good enough to put an effort to hurt others. And myself!
Self-development literature helped a lot… Getting in touch with people with similar interests I wanted to develop? That meant even more. And looking into the mirror (and, then, fairly within) was the decision making point…
About 5 to 7 years ago (I can’t remember exactly), I started to be drawn into gathering as much knowledge as I could absorb… On any topic… Any field… Unrelated areas… Psychology, finance, tech, customer service, arts, kids, surreal, internet… anything and everything. Some may say that all these would only end up in a pile of mixed nothings. But believe, me, information that you may think of being of no use now will eventually pay off, somewhere… You don’t even know where or when. But it will…
And how did I come to being who I am today?
A failed marriage is the answer. And everything that such an experience may involve: awful fighting, psychological injuries, heartfelt wounds, hatred, disappointment, losing track of oneself, being locked up into the deepest dungeon of despair and self-blame, distrust and feeling of a worthless being. And no support on that but my own self! People I expected to support me did not. There would rather have been a stranger asking me how I was dealing with it, than the closest ones! Oh, did I mention the 2 kids I had to be responsible for during all this stage?
I’m not looking for pity with this article, I’m just trying to make a point here!
And what exactly might that be?
Fear is nothing but a boundary human mind sets itself to follow. Darkness only comes in if you let it to. Closing the shutters to the sun is not an option, but the worst punishment you can expose yourself to. Hurting the others harms your own self, in the first place! And only afterwards the effects will be thrown over them.
Therefore, instead of looking at what others have done to you, start looking at what you do or have done to them. Why? Out of fear.
Fear of acknowledging your inner beauty and strength. Fear of letting your mask loose. Fear of seeing more than the human body displays. Fear of being touched by the feelings of others or of absorbing a vibe you don’t want to become a part of you.
The kingdom I’ve built for myself has only become touchable during the last 12 months… Decisions were made, the struggle of heavy moments started loosen up more and more and I started looking for the sun again. For the happiness – in others, again. Getting deceived, again, but this time not because of them, but because of what I managed to understand: expecting is useless. The more you expect from the ones around you, the more you dive into bitterness. So, I developed a habit: the rise and fall, then rise again habit. Every time! Each time stronger than before!
So, in the last months of last year, I’ve made up my mind to choose and to believe! To use the freedom of choice, to see the beauty in a sunny day, to feel the smell of a blooming flower or fresh-cut grass, to enjoy my addiction for music like never before and to be more in the NOW. I learned to accept and be proud of that weirdo look on my face and of the good vibe I send to other people. And, I finally managed to understand the real source of happiness. That genuine kind of happiness no one else can provide. No one else! But ME! One line is a constant companion of mine, now:
“Happiness is not a goal or a purpose, is the trip itself!”
I’m still learning to smile more…
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